I'm pants shitting drunk right now
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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