Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
