bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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