I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
