Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Just puked most of my soul out..
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