If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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