Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
