All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
