when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
