I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She's the barista slut.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
