just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
