Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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