Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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