Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
