enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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