I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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