How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
