she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
there's paper in my vomit.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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