Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
