OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
