we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
