she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
