I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
