We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
