I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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