i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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