don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
