I just saw a hot homeless man
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
