My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Welp...herpes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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