there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
