I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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