its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
