I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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