Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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