Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
