Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
i out mim tonsoeep
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