If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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