Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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