i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
