We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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