before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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