Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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