my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
