Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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