the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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