I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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