I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
