Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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