I seem to have left my pride at pride
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
