there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
